I'm Sorry for My Existence

Hotties for Haitis Postponed!

2010-02-10T15:24:00.001-05:00

To those looking for auction action, I apologize, but due to the snow sitch, Hotties for Haiti is being postponed by a week. Sova 7:30 start time, 8:30 bidding, Wednesday the 17th.

So sit tight, experience your red-roseless Valentine's Day sad and alone, and come prepared with your pocketbook next week, when for the love of Haiti, our hotties present themselves to you

In the meantime, some press.

Hotties for Haiti Auction Block Lineup

2010-02-04T08:43:00.002-05:00

Some of the goods available for purchase:

DJ Gavin Holland, DJ Ratt Moze, Comedian Mike Way, Andrew Herndon of karaoke fame, one of the mysterious Fojol Bros., Maureen Andary of the Sweater Set (who will give a Ukelele lesson on her date), artist Jennifer Jeremias of Bored of Trade, Glodine Young, Associate Gallery Director of The Fridge, City Paper's Beerspotter Orr Shtuhl (whose date is a sponsored beer tasting at ChurchKey), Ron Soltes of Nunchucks, some of Sova's sexy latte staff, and many more!

bring the varieties of your love for fellow man and your wallets to Sova, 1359 H Street NE DC Wednesday Feb 10. Bidding, 8:30

Hotties for Haiti: A Date Auction

2010-02-03T13:54:00.003-05:00

Before there was online dating, there was the date auction, where eligible young men or women under the banner of philanthropy offer their bodies and minds to the block.

Two notable portrayals in contemporary fiction of this charming method for arranging a date:

John Stamos as Uncle Jesse is bought by Becky, setting in motion a romance that will soon give her the title: "Aunt"

The cheerleaders of Bayside High earn enough from a date auction to purchase new uniforms

Enough fiction. Now for truth. This girl of NE DC is throwing her own charity date auction to benefit Haiti relief efforts at Sova Espresso & Wine, 1359 H Street NE, February 10 at 7:30 pm. All bidding proceeds will go to Doctors Without Borders.

If you love Haiti, bid on a hottie.

Could we start again please Netflix and Goodreads?

2009-12-01T00:55:00.003-05:00

one of my fave things is when algorithms make recommendations for media consumption that do not suggest robot world domination is imminent.

2009-11-14T15:17:00.001-05:00

Didn't get lucky on Friday the 13th

2009-10-27T09:58:00.000-04:00

A million dollars isn't that impressive anymore. It can buy you like maybe one mcmansion in Potomac. Instead, I would buy Detroit.

2009-05-30T17:54:00.001-04:00

If you smoke a cigarette in the forest, and no one was there to watch, did you still look cool?

2009-05-29T15:21:00.002-04:00

No peace I find in this old sweet Newspaper
The New York Times
I've got Georgia (the font), Georgia (the font) on my mind

Why don't pandas make love anymore? Where have all the flowers gone?

2009-05-20T16:07:00.008-04:00

Where have all the young men pandas gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young men pandas gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men pandas gone?
Gone for heaven where they're sexually
available young female pandas
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

I haven't hit my head and just forgotten that film

2009-05-18T13:10:00.001-04:00

TBS, please go overboard with that Goldie Hawn classic about a rich broad who learns the true meaning of life when an accident befalls her at sea.

Have I been a fish in a fishbowl!

2009-05-11T16:01:00.003-04:00

Heard a richard pryor imitation of black people having sex. Had no idea! Sounded like a lot of fun.

I too would like to be emancipated.

I often think of Patrick still

2009-05-05T12:50:00.001-04:00

12:44 PM me: when i was 9

12:45 PM the boy i was very very in love with

like super in love

told me

that i was going to be a fat woman one day

well i showed him by god

12:46 PM ramin: haha

wow

thats crazy for a 9 year old to say

me: well thats why i loved him

he was very mature

In this windowless office, a breath of fresh air would really be a breath of fresh air

2009-04-27T17:20:00.002-04:00

The produce aisle at Whole Foods is a real meat market for vegetarians

2009-04-22T10:21:00.003-04:00

My selfish nature has proven yet again to be beneficial to me

2009-04-15T13:43:00.001-04:00

Single use coffee cups are my cup of tea

2009-04-10T12:33:00.001-04:00

Activism, is for people who like to lose. Losers I like to call them.

2009-03-20T17:23:00.003-04:00

Is Nino adequately prepared for Joe's new girlfriends?

2009-03-18T16:48:00.001-04:00

Lawsons? More like Flawsons

2009-03-17T17:00:00.001-04:00

Normally an unconditional fan but today it just got to me:

1. Dave Matthews Band came on the radio while I was in there today.
2. not that many of their sandwiches feature ham.
3. napkins could be more accessible

The saturnine nature of the (sandwich) artists

2009-02-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

The Sub Club is not like the Warhol Factory. While the expressions of the Subway staff are morose, these "artists" frequently forget their work's motivation.

The Discreet Charm of the Bohemian Bourgeoisie

2009-02-22T12:03:00.006-05:00

On Friday Joe and I discussed attending Transformer Gallery's "Soup Kitchen" part of their four week series called "Summer Camp." Two local artists served "up sustenance for hungry campers during dinner hours." The event was described as a chance to engage "the relationship of art and community service with the common concerns of our current economic situation, in the format of communal experience." They advertised that the leftover food would be donated to S.O.M.E., (So that Others Might Eat) a local non-profit.

We didn't make it inside. Splayed on the sidewalk just 20 feet outside the gallery was a homeless man, who may have been in early stages of hypothermia. As I dialed 311 to get medical attention for him, we felt a bit foolish to go inside at that point. Financially secure performance art enthusiasts enjoyed their mock soup kitchen on that frigid night chanting kumbaya style camp songs over hot bowls of soup, unaware a fellow human being was suffering in the worst way just outside the door.

I thought to myself that performance art can be so trivial, so petty, at times. We turned away from the gallery and marched ourselves to our local wildly-overpiced organic pizza joint and dropped $120.

2009-01-30T10:49:00.000-05:00

When I see cool kids in the street, I act aloof so that they don't know that I know that they know that I'm also, you know

People were just meaner in the 80s, if you don't believe me, watch Karate Kid

2009-01-04T21:46:00.003-05:00

Sensei Kreese: We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

At one of those times the Internet was not working...

2008-12-09T22:48:00.003-05:00

Helly said to Joe "Of course we love Nino more than the laptop"

Good News For Greenland

2008-12-09T14:37:00.003-05:00

Global warming will render you a sensible name yet

Greening your Helly Experience

2008-12-08T13:32:00.001-05:00

Please consider the environment before printing my thought provoking blog posts

iTuneOut

2008-12-05T17:24:00.001-05:00

Every time someone tries to explain to me how to use my mp3 player.

John, Type

2008-12-04T13:35:00.003-05:00

How did John Updike find the time to type all that stuff up? On a typewriter no less!

Yes I Can, Yes I Would

2008-11-05T12:04:00.001-05:00

Yes I would procreate during an Obama administration

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T11:42:00.001-04:00

I'll tell you what's scary. My wasted life

Just say No to showing your drugs to a cop

2008-10-30T15:57:00.001-04:00

Wha wha wha wmata?

Party as though you've discovered a continent my dollies

2008-10-10T17:42:00.001-04:00

Climate change ain't so figuratively hot

2008-10-10T17:06:00.001-04:00

When banks compete do I really win?

2008-10-08T14:06:00.001-04:00

No.

Dear Lending Tree,

You should change your slogan to:

"when banks compete, the world may experience market failure."

From,
NPR listener unimpressed by your sponsorship

Yom Kippur Apology

2008-10-06T22:25:00.009-04:00

My lovely friends Julia and Katy are putting on a benefit this Thursday night at the Rock & Roll Hotel to fill the coffers at Survivors and Advocates for Empowerment [SAFE], a terrific and local organization that offers round-the-clock support to victims of domestic violence. It’s going be a real neat show and they are offering us a terrific lineup this year. Let it be said however that Julia and Katy are not just party-throwers. These two sacrifice as many evenings and nights’ sleep to their life’s work as any emergency room doctor or director of IT. Found often on the phone and in police stations, they sort out the most unpleasant business of those circumstantially unable to sort it themselves.

Having such cool angel friends who think beyond their own party schedules sure makes me want to apologize for my existence. Or at least atone. Should I be ascribed in the book of life you will likely find me here again next year, repenting for another year lost on gazing at myself in the mirror. While more consideration is necessary on whether I suffer a hereditary flaw of self-absorption, that’s enough about me at this time.

Come show your support for a commendable cause, that needs more support than it is currently getting. Thursday night, Yom Kippur night. The RNR Hotel. (I apologize I won’t be able to make it to the simultaneous religious activities).

Yep, I've still got it. "It" being extremely good posture when I play Nintendo

2008-10-01T12:47:00.004-04:00

I played NES Paperboy last night at Sarah and Dave's and I got through Monday-Friday without dying and only having a few houses cancel their subscription. Maybe I really could bike around DC's biker-friendly streets. I just need to be better at anticipating obstacles. They really aren't so daunting. Tornadoes and angry old women consistently cease their menacing operations after traveling 10 feet, break-dancing kids don't really move that much, and runaway tires make sharp right turns always in the middle of the sidewalk.

By not watering my plant since April, I've saved approximately 1 gallon of water

2008-09-26T12:14:00.001-04:00

Despite a laissez-faire approach to its care, my cubicle plant's fundamentals are strong

Scrabulous was Fabulous, Wordscraper is....

2008-09-24T14:21:00.003-04:00

Wordscraper is racist and anti-semitic, it will not allow me to write "oy" or "yo."

Yes we can keep prices on arugula affordable Mr. Obama, yes we can

2008-09-24T13:05:00.002-04:00

Cashier at gourmet fast food salad venue did not remind me to show her my club card that would move me one step closer to a free salad. got hustled

One example of how to speak to your kids about the state of the economy

2008-09-24T10:49:00.002-04:00

Don't worry Nino, the economy is bad right now, but we are working as hard as we can to make sure you have what you need.

You don't stop to rock it to the bang bang boogie but you do stop it because it's 9pm and there's another class waiting

2008-09-23T21:50:00.006-04:00

Julia and I are in approximately the 30^th percentile of dorkiness in our Hip Hop dance class at Joy of Motion dance studio in Dupont. We aren’t super proud of this though, because every dancer on that floor has a baseline level of dorkiness. That is, except for our lovely teach.

As a kid I was often delivered the mantra “all you have to do is try.” Well that is just a silly thing to tell a young impressionable human with human limitations. At 25 I have come to terms with many of my failures. For example, I unfortunately do not have a similar skill set as the person pictured in this poster:

Today in class we learned a move called popping. Not to be confused with the robot. This will likely be my seventh major failure of this calendar year.

OMG speaking of music, Clay Aiken is gay!! Just kidding, I don't give a shit. Hmmm...maybe I'm not so not cool after all.

To know Shady Grove metro station is to have a large collection of Tupperware

2008-09-21T23:53:00.005-04:00

I recently heard a fellow party attendee consider aloud what Shady Grove Station must be like. The entire group he was conversing with chimed in that they’ve been similarly curious about the western end of WMATA’s Red Line. I was amused that such a large group had universally given Shady Grove consideration. How disappointed they were to learn from me that it is a parking lot attached to a highway, which connects commuters to thousands of homes with one of five floor plans. (Perhaps I should consider charging city folk five bucks to give them a tour of the S.G. station grounds.)

Today I made my semi-regular weekend journey to the end of the line to see my family – a travel experience that on beautiful days is made arduous by metro’s weekend rider-ship: Zoogoers, Nationals fans and their sluggish ilk. My ephemeral maternal desires choke and die on these trips, as the Wal-Mart families around me fail to make quiet the piercing shrieks of their many children. I wonder if I just seem like a real weirdo to them, a grown woman reading a comic book with robots and monsters and humanoid dog creatures.

My parents pick me up, take me to home where I play Scrabble, eat the home cooking that I hold culpable for my adolescent heftiness, and return to the city owning leftovers contained in yet another piece of my mother’s endless Tupperware supply.

screaming "peaaaaacee" at a musical performance increases the likelihood of ending war by 62%.... Not

2008-09-18T13:34:00.011-04:00

Balkan Beat Box at Black Cat was a fun show - however I found it curious when the band's MC, Tomer Yosef informed us that "this is not a show tonight, this is a party, we are having a party," as I am not usually charged 15 at the door of parties nor commanded to put my hands together simultaneously with my peers at parties.

Do we have to be fat too?

2008-09-15T22:43:00.005-04:00

When will the office people learn that they cannot raise the morale of this employee with baked goods? The health risks associated with a lifestyle of prolonged periods of inaction punctuated only by frequent trips down the hall to receive a dosage of concentrated fat are not inconsequential. I could go on and on about the peer pressure I receive from my professional community to participate in these hedonistic sugar binges, but instead I shall leave you with the words of Elaine Benes:

ELAINE: What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!

“I’m going to blog about it”

2008-09-14T23:48:00.004-04:00

I attended an event that inspired me to blog about it. (s4e readers please bear with this change in blog genre for the duration of the post.)

Over the weekend I attended a Meat Market Gallery performance artist exhibit in the parking lot adjacent to the 1515 14^th street galleries. The “YAY Team,” invited the public to join them in “saying goodbye to a personal era of waste, materialism, and ignorance,” in a piece called, “Black Out: Retiring a Cloud of Guilt.” It sounded like it could be cool, and right up my alley, as I like to think I am no fan of waste, materialism, and ignorance. Also, I like going to events. Sometimes there’s free liquor and I like to see what the other kids are wearing.

My party arrived in time to watch an El Camino drive into the parking lot. I am too short to see anything good like always, but I see there’s a neat looking car there and it is by now generally understood that these assholes intend to smash the thing to pieces. Still there’s a gasp when glass first shatters. No one really thought they’d smash a cool car up - maybe something egregiously wasteful, materialistic, and acquired because of ignorance; like a Hummer, or a mini van. But even a car deserving of smashing would not have rendered their message any more interesting in the context of art.

If it was a sincere response to the evils of our wasteful society, I think they were entirely off the mark. Anyone without access to public transportation needs a car. Cars are not going away just yet. Spare the cool ones at least. That previously functional, awesome car is good for nothing but a landfill now.

The only thing that would redeem their act to me is if it was meant to be humorous on some level. If that is the case, I don’t understand the joke. Perhaps it’s an inside joke. I would be curious to have it explained to me by the artists. then I will smash them. Tee-hee

the taste the taste the taste

2008-09-11T10:18:00.003-04:00

My experiences with Juicy Fruit have been among the most moving of my life.

hard livin' on the DC streets

2008-09-10T17:09:00.002-04:00

Fast food salad place forgot to indicate on my tab that I ordered a special "exotic" dressing that would require an additional fee. Hustlin'

On the Day of the Big Pool Party

2008-08-21T12:02:00.001-04:00

I just sought out beach pictures from an ugly girl from high school to laugh at even though the girl was kind and never wronged me. Perhaps for similar reasons you all would like to see me in a bathing suit.

Open Letter to the creators of Look Who's Talking (Too/Now)

2008-08-12T16:16:00.004-04:00

Fetuses, babies, and animals do not have the cerebral capacity for the kind of thought processes you portrayed in your films.

My Ideas Are Great and I've got a great smile!

2008-08-12T14:45:00.002-04:00

Ideas that went nowhere after conception:

(Ideas' lifespans range from months to minutes depending on the attitudes of those around me, as you may imagine my mother is responsible for much of the early years, Joe for the remainder, and each of you to varying degrees have played a special role in my failure as well)

1989 - starting a Kid's Bank
1989 - starting a Kid's lending library
1990 - putting on a play
1991 - getting into baseball cards
1991 - training to be a gymnast for the 1996 Olympic games in Atlanta
1992 - being good at basketball
1994 - writing a novel about a runaway teenage girl who hitchhikes to get around
1995 - becoming a music journalist
1996 - losing weight and becoming popular
1998 - becoming a salsa dancer
1999 - cross country bike trip
2000 - joining the Peace Corps
2001 - gaining the respect of my peers by publicly caring about the environment
2002 -reading for class sophomore year
2003 - quitting drugs
2003 - writing a screenplay that satirizes hipsters
2005 - novel about a young post-college woman making it in DC
2005 - quitting alcohol
2005 - applying to grad school and becoming a writer of fiction
2006 - starting a zine with Joe
2006 - learning French
2007 - applying to grad school and becoming a librarian
2007 - Trying my hand at acting in local film production, "Skintern"
2007 - learning to draw
2007 - Joining the Peace Corps
2008 - becoming a Belly Dancer
2008 - learning Spanish
2008 - founding a blog to rival BYT
2008 - Puppet Show
2008 - losing weight and becoming popular

2008 - taking responsibility for my own failures

What happened to these dreams deferred?

Third party vanquishes my puppeteer dreams before they naturally fizzled out on their own accord

2008-07-15T12:47:00.004-04:00

Now I shall eat lunch, sadly, my dreams crushed like so many particles of ceiling plaster in the kitchen of a slum apartment managed by the Barac Co.

Let's give them something to talk shit about

2008-07-15T12:28:00.001-04:00

How about shortchanging your friends on the bill?

did you know that dolphins, like other make-believe creatures have emotions?

2008-07-01T13:22:00.003-04:00

The July page of the OC calendar is particularly majestic.

In spite of deep reservations regarding puns in the world of marketing

2008-06-30T14:31:00.003-04:00

I've combed through my options and brushed aside the competition to make a hair appointment at a company with a sexually suggestive, yet still hair-relevant name.

iPod Shuffle Resurfaces After Three-Year Disappearance; Local Girl's Lies to Grandpa Cease

2008-06-26T17:19:00.006-04:00

Gaithersburg, MD - On Sunday, Helly encountered a ghost from her past in the form of a long lost iPod Shuffle her grandparents gave her in 2005.

"Now when Grandpa asks me 'do you use that Ipod we gave you?' I won't necessarily have to be lying when I awkwardly say 'yes'," she said gleefully.

The Shuffle was found in her childhood bedroom in the side pocket of a bag she no longer uses.

"Why would I even bother picking up that flowered tiny back pack from Old Navy anymore?" she asked rhetorically to explain why the MP3 player had been gone unnoticed for so long.

The iPod shuffle is a digital audio player designed and marketed by Apple Inc. It is the budget model in Apple's iPod family.

Does this new color scheme make me look fat?

2008-06-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

Amongst other benefits, pink brings levity to this macabre site.

Talk show participant, I think you should reconsider your confidant

2008-06-03T16:49:00.002-04:00

Saving the drama for your mama would put an undue burden on the woman who has already given you so much.

We didn't ask to join this investment club Pharaoh

2008-05-30T11:33:00.005-04:00

Jews still angry over ancient pyramid scheme.

Letters to the nation's premier word processing software

2008-05-09T16:55:00.002-04:00

Dear Microsoft Word,

Use your head. Why would I want to save an empty document?

yours,
a user

Nino vs. Helly

2008-05-07T21:24:00.002-04:00

If I were as flexible as Nino I would be very popular

Nino would be have less to do around the house if he were as tentative of heights as I

Nino is illiterate

A Raisin in the Sun

2008-05-06T22:23:00.003-04:00

We shared a dream once, and it involved a web domain which has just expired.

Whatever, boys have cooties anyway

2008-04-29T23:19:00.001-04:00

Why aren't the older men in this office taking a shine to me like they generally do in the street and through other casual encounters?

Joe needs an editor

2008-04-29T22:51:00.003-04:00

Joe: "helly you look pretty wasted in all these photos.If he had taken the word wasted out, that woulda been a real sweet thang.

I want to accuse my mother of loving the dog more than me when I read this, but I fear she would get upset...

2008-04-25T19:01:00.005-04:00

Please read about "Buddy."

Lunch

2008-04-24T15:24:00.002-04:00

The musician in Dupont Circle would like to step outside into the fog like a ghost where no one notices he plays the same Counting Crows song every day.

Advice For a Victim Of Unrequited Love

2008-04-22T14:33:00.003-04:00

Don't lionize pandas Aunt Joni. They don't think about you ever.

Q: Why you don't call me anymore?

2008-04-18T17:23:00.001-04:00

A: I will field all your awkward questions during my lunch hour

Every Little Bit Counts

2008-04-17T09:12:00.003-04:00

For those working and living in the Dupont Circle area, please remember to recycle your Church of Scientology literature this Earth Day

Did you know?

2008-04-16T21:57:00.001-04:00

Joe loooves his personal property

Helly to Street Sense Vendor: Don't Front about the Quality of Your Publication

2008-04-16T16:16:00.001-04:00

While it is an interesting concept and a great cause, I don't know that we can quite call Street Sense in good faith "the greatest paper on earth"

The Truth About Litter

2008-04-16T15:28:00.001-04:00

Litter doesn't kill sea creatures, people kill sea creatures (as well as other predatory sea creatures)

I asked Joe - "do you want to know what my gchat status says?" He sighed so audibly I could hear it from where I was sitting 12 feet away. Here it is:

2008-04-13T23:44:00.006-04:00

My queue would suggest I am very ambitious about my longevity and confident that Netflix will continue operations well into the 22nd century.

Area Construction Worker Makes Woman Feel Good

2008-04-11T17:26:00.002-04:00

Area woman's self esteem got a boost this morning after a construction worker in the street said "Hello pretty mhhhmhmm."

"Normally I'd be offended by the implication of the sound he made, and disgusted by his grandfatherly age, but my boyfriend, Joe, had just said I 'look like hell' so it was a real welcome gesture," she said of the exchange, and also referring to her droopy eyes and overall unhealthy appearance after a night of heavy drinking.

Texting & Walking

2008-04-10T00:36:00.003-04:00

A Primer

Year-End Fiscal Report

2008-04-09T21:48:00.002-04:00

I make enough money to start a lower-middle class family

A Fat Cat

2008-04-09T09:20:00.003-04:00

A Fat Cat: A Power Point Presentation

Like the autistic oboe player unable tie his shoes, so too am I unable to come up with a relevant title for this post

2008-04-03T11:24:00.002-04:00

Did Aunt Becky ever get embarrased when Uncle Jesse prefaced make out sessions with the phrase "have mercy"? Was she semi-aware in a proto-postmodern way that she was trapped in a world of obligatory taglines of questionable comedic value?

Independent Research Study Results

2008-04-02T23:23:00.002-04:00

47% of LOL's are falsified

My Rocks

2008-03-31T15:55:00.002-04:00

The joy my 350 Facebook friends bring me knows no bounds

Our Friends in the Street

2008-03-27T23:44:00.004-04:00

A Power Point Presentation

YOu better fucking get Nino Iams

2008-03-24T21:55:00.002-04:00

Does the title of this blog posting make me sound angry?

Commodity Fetishism Challenged and Destroyed

2008-03-24T15:36:00.002-04:00

Did you know you could get two items off the dollar menu for the price of one measly Vitamin Water?

The Gchat Status Conservancy

2008-03-20T15:58:00.002-04:00

Overfishing of my brain has lead to unsustainable gchat status update capabilities. I will be out of Gchat status ideas by the year 2010 if sustainable practices are not enforced NOW

my very first power point presentation since 1995

2008-03-06T15:01:00.002-05:00

Before During and After the Land Before Time